I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
