is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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