no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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