I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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