Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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