So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
