Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
