Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
