I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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