my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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