Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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