Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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