My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
