dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
