She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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