I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We left an ass print on the piano.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
