the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
