i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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