Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
