Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
