Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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