Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
