Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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