Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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