you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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