i need an iv and a liver transplant
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
