Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Mom said you looked used
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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