she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Randomize
