i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
