Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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