filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
