I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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