And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
