I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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