I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
