dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
