...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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