I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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