I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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