I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
