My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
