Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
