In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
