I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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