umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize
