I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
