I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My penis needs a shock collar
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
