Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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