So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
