just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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