If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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